Day 28 of my 30-day challenge to exercise and meditate for 15 minutes each, every day and then document my process. I had to get to work early, or really I should say on time, due to having a meeting at 9:30 am. I couldn’t miss the meeting as our management had a lot to discuss. The day was pretty hectic as it usually is on Monday’s but I made it through the day. I had a meeting on the other end of town at 2:30 p.m. that afternoon with clients guardians. Honestly, that went better than I thought it would have. Guardians are a bit bitchy, well only one was a bitch the other is a delight. I understand they both care for their relatives and want the best care but really so does our company. I would love everyone receiving services to get the absolute best care possible, as that is what every human deserves. The reality is in these types of human service’s field employees don’t get paid much at all and many employees are just trying to get by. I don’t have a solution to make people care. I really wish I did. We’re all connected, I understand this but even I struggle with the concept. My stupid ego gets in the way. I get frustrated with how people are acting and I focus too much on how I am being disappointed. I even do this with our employees, client, guardians and even management. I see myself focusing on the lack of what isn’t being done or what I don’t like. What I understand from the complaining I hear from others is they all are struggling with the exact same thing, what isn’t being done or what they don’t like.
Why is it so hard to love others and accept who they are for who they are? I know I can only control myself but it makes it difficult when it’s your job to judge others and attempt to get others to do their jobs successfully. I wish there was a magic trick to get people to wake up and give a shit to what they are doing to each other and to themselves. I guess I would need to use it on myself as well. I have changed so many things about myself. I have improved my diet but I still have some changes to make. I have exercised every day for at least 15 minutes, most days more than but I could increase my cardio. I sit in silence as much as possible to attempt to hear the answers to my questions as I know that is where they lay but I could sit in proper zazen more frequently. I need to sit properly as I’m fairly certain that is significant. I’m not 100% how posture is important I just know it is. I have been writing but I am also struggling with speaking my truth. The ego is such a bitch. It is so sly and cunning, filling us with doubt and fear. I really would like my ego to go somewhere and not come back. I know I am capable of writing my thoughts and feelings and I am allowing my ego to stop me. Instead of focusing on what I’m not doing I could give more energy to what I have done. Perhaps that would help.
After my meeting with the guardians, I felt a bit drained. I had to call a landlord about a dog and I struggled to get an exact answer from him. I finally nailed down some details and moved on from there. I only had an hour before my meet up group met. I had a snack of chips and guacamole and watched T.V. to unwind. I tried talking myself out of walking and out of going to the meetup. I didn’t want to do anything. My dog was staring me down, almost telling me it was time for our walk and I better get up and do it. Since I used most of my time watching television we had to settle going to a quick 20-minute walk around the block. My dog was excited to go for a walk as she always is. She doesn’t care where we go as long as we go. It was a beautiful day and the heat started to break. I wished I would have made the time to go for a long walk. I told myself I would take her for another walk when I got home from my meetup. I quickly raced over to the other end of town for my meetup which I was slightly late for. I didn’t feel like being there but I realized one of my biggest fears is having someone read something I’ve written and suffered as they read it due to it being painful to read it. I’m assuming that is the fear of most writers to some degree.
When I got home from my writer’s group I was exhausted again and I talked myself out of going for another walk. My dog didn’t seem to notice. One more day down and a lifetime to go.